Poetry in prose: no where else to post

[verbatimine]

Hello everybody,

Hope you all are having a good 2023.

I have recently started writing poetry and I am enjoying doing it very much.
The challenge at the moment is to get people to be open about it and to be willing to read it and comment on it as my poetry often is very sexual.

I was wondering if anybody here could give me a feedback / first impressions in regards to how sensitive this topic is to you and obviously your overall opinion on the piece below. Would appreciate any feedback:

Butterfly pattern.

Her water was filled with ice to the very brink.
Capped with a clear plastic cover.
He could see the cubes of ice drowning.
Glancing at him
Unwilling to melt
Unwilling to give up their perfect rigid structure.
His drink on the other hand
Was a steaming hot coffee.
It was standing in front of him
On the edge of a flimsy round table.

He was almost surprised
that the coffee somehow was not bubbling over
through the tiny opening at the top of his cup.
But it did truly
constantly
feel
as if that threat was approaching.
Just to slowly recede.
And then
she was moving her leg across.
Touching his
under the table.
Bringing the feelings to the boiling point
once more.

Cafe was crowded.
Tables full of strangers
busy with their own depiction of a morning.

Although
it probably did not matter,
They talked about the weather,
About her likings,
About the sweet slushy drinks
with a peculiar names
That she could not recall.
About the joy the sugar brings
Taste lingering in your mouth
Just enough,
To keep you satisfied
Until the next sip.

Then he digressed for a while.
Not listening.
Seeing her lips move.
Hushed, blurred sounds lost distinction.
His thoughts sidetracked
towards humans’ complete failure
to resist temptation.

‘So be it.’ - he thought,
finally exhaling,
Noticing again the same desire
in her hazel eyes.

As if to contradict
his point of view,
his notion of her as a women,
She DID resist instead.

She resisted his energy and his vigor,
she knew he had in abundance.
Resisted falling in love with his smile,
Offering hers in return.
Resisted taking him upstairs right away.
Choosing to stay here, sipping plain water,
Marking with the red lipstick
only the side of her cup lid.
And while doing so
she enjoyed every moment of it.


She wore a beautiful blue dress
sprinkled with butterflies all around
from top to bottom,
Every one of them with wings fully open,
ready for an adventure.

He looked at her eagerly,
his thoughts hidden
behind slow, firm gestures,
but his own impatience
Started to irritate him a bit
‘Why ARE we this way?’
He pondered
trying to ease his frustration.
‘So beautiful, so chaotic.
Giving up a step, just to take back three.
Teasing a kiss, just to turn the face away.
Smiling softly and gently
almost winking
Just before we frown.
Is that self realization or self deceit?
Maybe we are
like butterflies
continuously and knowingly caught
by the gusts of wind on the wild meadow.
Up and down.
Again.
And again.
Does the butterfly know that the summer end is near?
Does it matter in that moment of pleasure?
Of pure joy.
We all want to live today, not tomorrow.
Is not chaotic butterfly pattern
Best proof of that?

We do all the same things
over and over.
In the most disorganized way possible.
Just to delay important questions.
That butterfly dance is our solution.
It does not require an answer.
There is no need knowing.
It is as if
culmination was not an end goal.
However pleasant it might be.
The flamboyant chaotic dance
as a purposeful waste of energy.’

***

Once they finally went upstairs.
Their dance
resulted
In her squirting all over the floor
Marking the sofa,
his hands,
his T shirt nearby,
as both his fingers inside her
cramped under the strain of her convulsions.
He kept at it nevertheless
Until she let go of him,
Her body relaxing,
Sinking into the soft sofa pillows.

At the end
she resisted
giving him exactly what he wanted.
He had to be satisfied with the variation of pleasure.
Her pleasure instead of his.

Was it even worth it?
Abso
Fucking
Lutely.

Sep 11 2023

 

[adeci]

Hello everybody,

Hope you all are having a good 2023.

I have recently started writing poetry and I am enjoying doing it very much.
The challenge at the moment is to get people to be open about it and to be willing to read it and comment on it as my poetry often is very sexual.

I was wondering if anybody here could give me a feedback / first impressions in regards to how sensitive this topic is to you and obviously your overall opinion on the piece below. Would appreciate any feedback:

Butterfly pattern.

Her water was filled with ice to the very brink.
Capped with a clear plastic cover.
He could see the cubes of ice drowning.
Glancing at him
Unwilling to melt
Unwilling to give up their perfect rigid structure.
His drink on the other hand
Was a steaming hot coffee.
It was standing in front of him
On the edge of a flimsy round table.

He was almost surprised
that the coffee somehow was not bubbling over
through the tiny opening at the top of his cup.
But it did truly
constantly
feel
as if that threat was approaching.
Just to slowly recede.
And then
she was moving her leg across.
Touching his
under the table.
Bringing the feelings to the boiling point
once more.

Cafe was crowded.
Tables full of strangers
busy with their own depiction of a morning.

Although
it probably did not matter,
They talked about the weather,
About her likings,
About the sweet slushy drinks
with a peculiar names
That she could not recall.
About the joy the sugar brings
Taste lingering in your mouth
Just enough,
To keep you satisfied
Until the next sip.

Then he digressed for a while.
Not listening.
Seeing her lips move.
Hushed, blurred sounds lost distinction.
His thoughts sidetracked
towards humans’ complete failure
to resist temptation.

‘So be it.’ - he thought,
finally exhaling,
Noticing again the same desire
in her hazel eyes.

As if to contradict
his point of view,
his notion of her as a women,
She DID resist instead.

She resisted his energy and his vigor,
she knew he had in abundance.
Resisted falling in love with his smile,
Offering hers in return.
Resisted taking him upstairs right away.
Choosing to stay here, sipping plain water,
Marking with the red lipstick
only the side of her cup lid.
And while doing so
she enjoyed every moment of it.


She wore a beautiful blue dress
sprinkled with butterflies all around
from top to bottom,
Every one of them with wings fully open,
ready for an adventure.

He looked at her eagerly,
his thoughts hidden
behind slow, firm gestures,
but his own impatience
Started to irritate him a bit
‘Why ARE we this way?’
He pondered
trying to ease his frustration.
‘So beautiful, so chaotic.
Giving up a step, just to take back three.
Teasing a kiss, just to turn the face away.
Smiling softly and gently
almost winking
Just before we frown.
Is that self realization or self deceit?
Maybe we are
like butterflies
continuously and knowingly caught
by the gusts of wind on the wild meadow.
Up and down.
Again.
And again.
Does the butterfly know that the summer end is near?
Does it matter in that moment of pleasure?
Of pure joy.
We all want to live today, not tomorrow.
Is not chaotic butterfly pattern
Best proof of that?

We do all the same things
over and over.
In the most disorganized way possible.
Just to delay important questions.
That butterfly dance is our solution.
It does not require an answer.
There is no need knowing.
It is as if
culmination was not an end goal.
However pleasant it might be.
The flamboyant chaotic dance
as a purposeful waste of energy.’

***

Once they finally went upstairs.
Their dance
resulted
In her squirting all over the floor
Marking the sofa,
his hands,
his T shirt nearby,
as both his fingers inside her
cramped under the strain of her convulsions.
He kept at it nevertheless
Until she let go of him,
Her body relaxing,
Sinking into the soft sofa pillows.

At the end
she resisted
giving him exactly what he wanted.
He had to be satisfied with the variation of pleasure.
Her pleasure instead of his.

Was it even worth it?
Abso
Fucking
Lutely.

Sep 11 2023

if by sensitive topic you mean the urge to bust a nut, then i think we are all familiar with that here.
I think your style is original in taking a third-person. however beware of writing on a high as the outcome can come off somewhat crass. perhaps this poem would be appealing to a limited audience who can confirm and validate similar experience? my question would be under what circumstances did this come about?

-if you want to get a writer’s attention, insert a typo.

 

[verbatimine]

if by sensitive topic you mean the urge to bust a nut, then i think we are all familiar with that here.
I think your style is original in taking a third-person. however beware of writing on a high as the outcome can come off somewhat crass. perhaps this poem would be appealing to a limited audience who can confirm and validate similar experience? my question would be under what circumstances did this come about?

-if you want to get a writer’s attention, insert a typo.

Thanks for the feedback. Did you feel as it came off crass? I don't do drugs other then limited amount of alcohol, so not sure how it could come off this way. (I guess I need to read and write more in order to get better overall). In regards to the circumstances: all I can say is that it is a women that I met through merb. Yeah I am curious if somebody had similar experience and how they feel about being teased.

 

[Obvio-0bvio]

Thank you for sharing your poem. It is clear that you have a strong passion for writing and exploring themes of sensuality and desire.In terms of feedback, your poem captures the intensity and raw emotions of a passionate encounter. The imagery and metaphors used effectively convey the heat and desire between the two individuals. The contrast between the ice and the hot coffee, as well as the butterfly pattern, adds depth to the narrative.However, I would suggest considering the pacing and structure of the poem. Some lines and stanzas feel a bit disjointed, and it could benefit from a smoother flow. Additionally, be mindful of the repetition of certain phrases and ideas. While repetition can be a powerful tool in poetry, it should be used purposefully and not excessively.Overall, I appreciate your willingness to explore bold themes in your poetry. Keep writing and experimenting with different styles and techniques.It's a good thing that the poetry you've shared is intended for the right audience on the merb platform. However, I would advise against posting it on your Facebook page because the explicit content may not be suitable for everyone. Remember to consider your audience and find a balance between expressing your creativity and respecting their comfort levels.

 

[TheJames101]

Anytime poetry comes up in relation to this hobby, I think of this guy who's been in the Montreal scene for a while who writes poems for every girl. I saw him on twitter once too, writing a dozen poems per day about how "you cannot imagine a beauty greater than [insert SP's name here]" yada yada.
(of course, if one SP is the "greatest you can imagine", then you can't say the exact same about another one)

Creepy as hell online, but probably a decent guy in person.

 

[bodick7]

I sometimes do it but not for every girl.
What I like is to play with words writing on my phone for hours just to get good rhymes.
I sometimes compose and send one to my favorite of the moment. These are always appreciated.

 

[Rebaynia]

It is a lovely poem.. a lot of thought went into it.. it shows.. the ending doesn't show the same depth of thought as the rest of the poem it lost the flow it seemed to carry out.. I had to re-read it a few times because kept getting distracted by things while trying to read it the first time. But eventually got a quiet time to read threw it undisturbed. Though the before and after the stairs tends to be 2 seperate poems rather than 1 fluent piece.

 

[verbatimine]

Thank you for sharing your poem. It is clear that you have a strong passion for writing and exploring themes of sensuality and desire.In terms of feedback, your poem captures the intensity and raw emotions of a passionate encounter. The imagery and metaphors used effectively convey the heat and desire between the two individuals. The contrast between the ice and the hot coffee, as well as the butterfly pattern, adds depth to the narrative.However, I would suggest considering the pacing and structure of the poem. Some lines and stanzas feel a bit disjointed, and it could benefit from a smoother flow. Additionally, be mindful of the repetition of certain phrases and ideas. While repetition can be a powerful tool in poetry, it should be used purposefully and not excessively.Overall, I appreciate your willingness to explore bold themes in your poetry. Keep writing and experimenting with different styles and techniques.It's a good thing that the poetry you've shared is intended for the right audience on the merb platform. However, I would advise against posting it on your Facebook page because the explicit content may not be suitable for everyone. Remember to consider your audience and find a balance between expressing your creativity and respecting their comfort levels.

Thanks for the feedback. I am glad I have decided to share it here, and yes I was not comfortable sharing it in any other place

 

[verbatimine]

It is a lovely poem.. a lot of thought went into it.. it shows.. the ending doesn't show the same depth of thought as the rest of the poem it lost the flow it seemed to carry out.. I had to re-read it a few times because kept getting distracted by things while trying to read it the first time. But eventually got a quiet time to read threw it undisturbed. Though the before and after the stairs tends to be 2 seperate poems rather than 1 fluent piece.

I am glad you liked it. I will definitely take into account your feedback about the flow. I am still learning how to connect things together, how to lead from one chapter to another properly. Will be revisiting this piece in a month or two to edit (once it is not as fresh in my mind).

 

[verbatimine]

I want to thank everybody for considering my effort. I have not expected to get such thoughtful and detailed feedback and for that I am truly grateful. I am humbled by the fact that there are so many intellectual people here willing to guide me with honest opinions. This will motivate me to work harder.

 

[verbatimine]

Anytime poetry comes up in relation to this hobby, I think of this guy who's been in the Montreal scene for a while who writes poems for every girl. I saw him on twitter once too, writing a dozen poems per day about how "you cannot imagine a beauty greater than [insert SP's name here]" yada yada.
(of course, if one SP is the "greatest you can imagine", then you can't say the exact same about another one)

Creepy as hell online, but probably a decent guy in person.

It is a good point. I will do my best no repeating myself. Giving praise is easy with copy pasta, but detrimental to the writer's art.

 

[Obvio-0bvio]

Thanks for the feedback. I am glad I have decided to share it here, and yes I was not comfortable sharing it in any other place

Continue to persevere in pursuing your passion and hobby, even if you have doubts about the quality or your own abilities. Remember, you chose the right platform to share your poem, and the fact that people are taking the time to provide feedback indicates their genuine interest. It's worth noting that receiving feedback can be rare, so the fact that you've attracted an engaged audience is a positive sign. While there is room for improvement, your poem is pleasant and I personally appreciate it.

 

[bodick7]

It is a good point. I will do my best no repeating myself. Giving praise is easy with copy pasta, but detrimental to the writer's art.

I don’t keep them. Always restart with blank page.

 

[bodick7]

This will motivate me to work harder.

I will sound like a car publicity… but « Passion drives inspiration »
Related to hobby, I developed over time 2 composition styles. Introductory and personalized.
Introductory tend to be a very short text you put along with dollar bills at first encounter. Personalized will become when good chemistry is part of repeated sessions and you know her to the point she’s inspiring yourself. You can then write a text where she will recognize herself among rhymes.
She will be touched for sure…and this helps mileage.
I must precise here that I don’t do it for that purpose. My main interest is to please, to introduce the fun factor within our intercourses.
Mileage is just a fun collateral damage

 

[minutemenX]

Thanks for the feedback. I am glad I have decided to share it here, and yes I was not comfortable sharing it in any other place

I enjoy epigrams, especially from classical English poets. It is forgotten art which is hard to master. Can you try to write an epigram on a girl you saw reflecting her specific appearance and behaviour? It would be fun to see if the readers can recognize the person

This is a great example from Plato:

Every heart sings a song, incomplete,
until another heart whispers back.
Those who wish to sing always find a song.
At the touch of a lover,
everyone becomes a poet.

 

[bodick7]

I enjoy epigrams, especially from classical English poets. It is forgotten art which is hard to master. Can you try to write an epigram on a girl you saw reflecting her specific appearance and behaviour? It would be fun to see if the readers can recognize the person

This is a great example from Plato:

Every heart sings a song, incomplete,
until another heart whispers back.
Those who wish to sing always find a song.
At the touch of a lover,
everyone becomes a poet.

Crafting rhymes is a bit like a music partition.
It's not only to put right words together. It has to sound great in your head.
Many years ago, I was introduce to a small french group after a book launch. They were doing poetry reading sessions.
I was fascinated by these brilliant minds who were mastering words like jazzmen performances.

 

[verbatimine]

Hello everybody. It was my first attempt of my own post here and I am not sure what to do if I want to post another poem? Should I do it here? or should I create a separate post? Thanks.

 

[verbatimine]

Crafting rhymes is a bit like a music partition.
It's not only to put right words together. It has to sound great in your head.
Many years ago, I was introduce to a small french group after a book launch. They were doing poetry reading sessions.
I was fascinated by these brilliant minds who were mastering words like jazzmen performances.

That sounds very interesting. Curious if Montreal has something like that.