Joke Thread

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Back on June 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...
Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[gurgeh85]

Holy shit, Patron, that was hilarious!

 

[tiannas]

...Supposedly the first one was a real third grader's essay, with a critically misspelled word.

http://www.laughingninja.com/imagev...laughingninja.com/m_pictures/i-like-hores.jpg

I actually had tears I was laughing so hard. Love it! "They can put their legs straight up!" Priceless!

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Why is it that all the women who do not cook, clean or suck dick ask " Where are all the good men ".
They just finished a home cooked meal, chilling in their clean house and about to get their dick sucked.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates............ Both will kill your dog.

 

[Howards Johnson]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The Hoover has the dirtbag inside, the Harley has the dirtbag hanging on the outside.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a BMW and Porcupine?

The porcupine has the prick outside, the BMW has the prick on the inside.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

A girl always likes to be swept off her feet................................ It is when you start to put them in the trunk that they start to panic.

 

[SilverDust]

Red Skelton...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCnBmypeVJM

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Red Skelton...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCnBmypeVJM

The man was a fucking comic genius, when I was a kid we used to watch him all the time on TV. Thanks for the reminder.

 

[lastvisit]

The wife asked me "when you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?". Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quick" wasn't the right answer.

 

[lastvisit]

Dear Dr. Phil : I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I noticed my wife was just standing there, arms folded watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him his house has been robbed, the offenders had drank all of his beer and had raped his wife. Silence ensued then the guys says " I can't believe they fucked my wife after 4 beers">

 

[panthere]

Damn i am wayyyy overdue in sex....i didnt have since LAST year ..... Ok ok not the best One ....But the only ONE i got now lolll
Happy new year ALL

 

[Doc Holliday]

Q: What do the Montreal Canadiens and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!

 

[letsrock2012]

After a Beer Festival in a nice hotel, all the brewery presidents decided to go for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says: "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says: "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says: "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
Molson's president sits down and says: "Give me a Coke." The bartender a little surprised gives him a coke.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask: "Why aren't you drinking a Molson?"
The Molson president replies: "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

[Doc Holliday]

Q: What is the difference between a habs fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after a while.

 

[Steely Dan]

Why doesn’t Hamilton have an NHL team?
A: Because then Toronto would want one.

 

[Doc Holliday]

Q: What is the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and the Habs?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles score points.

 

[What's My Name]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

 

[panthere]

On devrait appeller le prochain film Xxx ...citrouille.... Yaurai plein de graine dedans

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Jim Jeffries.... One of my favorites.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbvrGiL_s70