A toxic, dangerous and humiliating ordeal. How to cope?

[mdanton]

Hello,
I think you did the right thing to walk away.
I suggest you now assess the situation very calmly:
1. How much does she know about you? e.g. Where you work, what you do, social media presence like Facebook, LinkedIn, colleagues, friends, family. Does she know your last name?
2. Assume that whatever she knows about you, so do her 'friend(s)' and pimp(s), boyfriends etc, like e.g. phone number, car license plate, etc. What is the shortest (and weakest) link from her to you?
3. Do you think that someone would be after you, like actively looking for you? What resources would they have in order to locate you? I mean, given enough resources and knowing your phone number or car license plate, someone who really wants to find you can locate your address. Of course, again, this requires resources (money and time) and above all commitment.
In trying to figure out Why she behaved this way, you assume normal reasoning on her end. With drug addicts, there is no such thing. She sounds a psycho. Nobody can predict what she can do next. I hope nothing.
--

 

[john4808]

Hello,
I think you did the right thing to walk away.
I suggest you now assess the situation very calmly:
1. How much does she know about you? e.g. Where you work, what you do, social media presence like Facebook, LinkedIn, colleagues, friends, family. Does she know your last name?
2. Assume that whatever she knows about you, so do her 'friend(s)' and pimp(s), boyfriends etc, like e.g. phone number, car license plate, etc. What is the shortest (and weakest) link from her to you?
3. Do you think that someone would be after you, like actively looking for you? What resources would they have in order to locate you? I mean, given enough resources and knowing your phone number or car license plate, someone who really wants to find you can locate your address. Of course, again, this requires resources (money and time) and above all commitment.
In trying to figure out Why she behaved this way, you assume normal reasoning on her end. With drug addicts, there is no such thing. She sounds a psycho. Nobody can predict what she can do next. I hope nothing.
--

She knows a lot of general stuff about me but I always left out specifics and I was careful to keep my social media etc. hidden from her. I'm not too worried on that front and she's not very bright or tech savvy and is barely even literate when she's on drugs. I doubt she would be focused or determined enough to attack me in that way.

The problem is blocking her number is not very effective, because most of the time she doesn't have any cellphone, (she keeps losing her phones or breaking them), but she memorized my cell number, and she always contacts me from random different numbers when she has access to someone else's phone.

 

[EastWind]

Awwww you gave her your primary phone number? Always use a secondary burn number to make a clean get away like you need to disappear for safety reasons.

 

[john4808]

Awwww you gave her your primary phone number? Always use a secondary burn number to make a clean get away like you need to disappear for safety reasons.

No, I didn't give her my primary phone number, I did give her my "extra" number that I use for shady activities lol but I still can't dump that number easily as I use it for a few other things

 

[EastWind]

Okay okay. You did everything correctly. Well once you see it is her just block/ignore. After a while she will stop contacting you. She can’t keep this on forever. She will give up and move on. Or on the extreme she ODs and out of commission.

 

[john4808]

Okay okay. You did everything correctly. Well once you see it is her just block/ignore. After a while she will stop contacting you. She can’t keep this on forever. She will give up and move on. Or on the extreme she ODs and out of commission.

I'm not worried about my safety. honestly the hard thing for me is just getting over the betrayal and backstabbing.

I don't regret my experiences though. I got to experience some high adrenaline things that most people never experience... and I was lucky enough to come out without serious consequences.

It's just a bummer to deal with the emotional fallout.

 

[EastWind]

I'm not worried about my safety. honestly the hard thing for me is just getting over the betrayal and backstabbing.

I don't regret my experiences though. I got to experience some high adrenaline things that most people never experience... and I was lucky enough to come out without serious consequences.

It's just a bummer to deal with the emotional fallout.

Well you are not actually dating and this is not a real civilian relationship.

Setups like this if this get dragged long enough time is going to reveal itself.

You stayed because it was exciting. Yeah I get it. Not only you. The betrayal and backstabbing you dealt with are shit but not deep shit. Hope you learned something from this experience.

If you are going to crash best to crash in this environment instead of say in a marriage. Now that is everlasting pain.

 

[11:11]

Well you are not actually dating and this is not a real civilian relationship.

Setups like this if this get dragged long enough time is going to reveal itself.

You stayed because it is exciting. Yeah I get it. Not only you. The betrayal and backstabbing you dealt with are shit but not deep shit. Hope you learned something from this experience.

If you are going to crash best to crash in this environment instead of say in a marriage. Now that is everlasting pain.

Wondering what the Vegas odds are as to whether or not you hook back up with her.

Deep down, I bet you’re still thinking about it. I don’t blame you if the time spent together was good.

Been there done that but not to your extreme.

Live & learn…

 

[john4808]

Wondering what the Vegas odds are as to whether or not you hook back up with her.

Deep down, I bet you’re still thinking about it. I don’t blame you if the time spent together was good.

Been there done that but not to your extreme.

Live & learn…

Every bit of common sense and every logical, rational bone in my body says to walk away... But none of this ordeal was guided by common sense or logic.

The not-rational emotional part of my brain wants me to find some way of salvaging it. We had a good understanding of eachother. I never got jealous of her seeing other guys, never had any intention or desire to be her boyfriend and she was alright with the fact that she would never be part of my "Day Life" or ever be my girlfriend... But I do feel we really connected, not in a romantic sense or anything but like two good friends who understand eachother.

Years of emotional energy, conversations and trauma bonding that I would not like to repeat again with someone else, but are already a sunk cost with her...

It feels like it's all being thrown down the drain. It feels like I will never be able to replicate that kind of intense but deranged twisted bond that gives me the same adrenaline/dopamine hits I was getting with her.

But the cost? Not even kidding: most of her exes are either dead, or in jail. There is no happy ending here. It's train wrecks all the way down. She's easily the most damaged girl I've ever met, by a wide margin.

I logically perceive the danger, but my emotions don't.

 

[Smitty Jaeger-Manjenson]

But the cost? Not even kidding: most of her exes are either dead, or in jail. There is no happy ending here. It's train wrecks all the way down. She's damaged beyond repair.

At the risk of my comment sounding a bit clumsy/gauche, think about it this way. Her exes were most likely gangsters, thugs, hoods. Bad and dangerous to know. Like many women with self-destructive dating tendencies, she was attracted to the "bad boy" archetype. And you were one of her bad boys. A small ego boost if nothing else.

 

[john4808]

At the risk of my comment sounding a bit clumsy/gauche, think about it this way. Her exes were most likely gangsters, thugs, hoods. Bad and dangerous to know. Like many women with self-destructive dating tendencies, she was attracted to the "bad boy" archetype. And you were one of her bad boys. A small ego boost if nothing else.

Haha yeah but we were never dating. Often we would see eachother maybe 3-4 Times a week but we always agreed that we weren't dating. She was never my girlfriend.

I appreciate the re-frame... But I feel like being "nicer" than the other dudes is actually what got me burned Haha

 

[john4808]

Any female perspectives? Haha. Would be much appreciated.

 

[minutemenX]

Haha yeah but we were never dating. Often we would see eachother maybe 3-4 Times a week but we always agreed that we weren't dating. She was never my girlfriend.

I appreciate the re-frame... But I feel like being "nicer" than the other dudes is actually what got me burned Haha

Clinically it is like a drug. She is altering your brain chemistry. Addicts know that drugs are not healthy. So like in drag addiction go to a “rehab” where you can have some “substitution medicine”.

 

[EastWind]

Any female perspectives? Haha. Would be much appreciated.

Do you really want to poke that bear?

You are going to end up with a love/hate men ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME I am a victim and why did you rape me Gender Studies kind of response. And you have not even met her. LOL.

 

[Smitty Jaeger-Manjenson]

Clinically it is like a drug. She is altering your brain chemistry. Addicts know that drugs are not healthy. So like in drag addiction go to a “rehab” where you can have some “substitution medicine”.

"She is altering your brain chemistry" is synonymous with "it's all in your head". Name me an addiction that is not substance-based (gambling, pornography, video games, etc. etc.) and I'll name you an ersatz addiction that is dopamine/serotonin spikes looking for a scapegoat that cannot be bought from the local dealer.